If New Slow Cooker Recipes Were Pitched the Same Way as Television Programs

beef-stewINT. OFFICE – DAY

A swell office, if you like IKEA furniture and clear glass awards. Oh, and posters of old, classic slow cooker recipes that the person sitting behind the desk wishes he was involved in developing.

Speaking of, a slim and nerdy type sits behind the desk, chewing on an arm of his glasses while he flips through recipe cards: this is BLAINE, our Recipe Development Executive.

Sitting in front of him is ERNEST, the Recipe Writer, a pathetic wastrel of a chef, chewing his nails and tapping his feet.

BLAINE

Meh…I don’t know. Is this based on a previously existing recipe?

ERNEST

Nope. One hundred percent original!

BLAINE

Too bad. It would really help us if there was already an established audience for this.

ERNEST

The last time we spoke, you said the world needed a new beef stew recipe. It was time, you said.

BLAINE

But, really—beef stew? Doesn’t Campbell’s already have a beef stew?

ERNEST

Surely there’s room for more than just one—

BLAINE

Have you thought about cumin?

ERNEST

I’m sorry?

BLAINE

OK, maybe ginger. Or how about ras el hanout? People like spicy.

ERNEST

I guess I could consider—

BLAINE

You know what, if you take out the beef and put in a root vegetable, we might be able to sell to a younger demo of chefs. Vegan is so hot right now.

ERNEST

I don’t know if roots are really part of my vision.

BLAINE

How about lamb? Lamb is skewing younger these days.

Blaine drops the recipe cards on his desk top and puts his glasses backs on. Leans forward on his elbow, serious now.

BLAINE

I’d like to think that my MBA leaves me uniquely qualified to tell you how to best cook food. Even though I’ve never been in a kitchen in my life.

Ernest considers.

ERNEST

Maybe something kind of Moroccan?

BLAINE

Sounds kind of spicy. People don’t like spicy. Also: do we have to tell people you’re from Toronto? That plays like shit across the country.

ERNEST

When I was growing up, I had a cousin who lived in Fenlon Falls.

BLAINE

(pensive)

Small town. Plays to the hicks. I like it. But, I’m going to have to pass. I just feel as if your recipe lacks focus. It’s all over the place.

ERNEST

Oh. I felt pretty confident about it before I came in here.

BLAINE

Sure you did. You’re an artist! By the way, we have a few chicken noodle recipes we’re having trouble cracking. Do you want to take a run at those? For no money, of course.

ERNEST

Come on. I have some self-respect.

Blaine gives Ernest a knowing glare.

ERNEST

OK. It’s just nice to get email from a recipe company. Makes me feel important.

BLAINE

That’s the spirit!

Ernest rises and exits. Blaine leans back and puts his feet up on the desk.

BLAINE

(smiling)

I’m an awful human being.

FADE TO BLACK