What a glorious time of year! So filled with wonder and joy you could just plotz. Santa is soon on his way, his sleigh filled with–
Wait, you’re not a toddler or a drooling moron? Then let’s recalibrate.
Christmas is a shit time of year as you get older. How can it possibly stand up when compared to the fun you had as a kid? Plus, now you have to buy presents instead of just receive, and where’s the fun in that?
I’ll tell you where: a decisive choice to take the path of self-destruction. Here’s how!
- Ask loved ones to write down their hoped-for gadgets and doo-dads: research thoroughly and then come Christmas morn, present framed photographs that document that child/slave labour “required” to produce said items. (Be prepared to eat dinner in the driveway.)
- Tell everyone that you’re tired of this over-commercialized season and that you’re going to make all presents this year, despite your colour blindness, poor depth perception, lousy hand-eye coordination and overall lack of taste. Or Obama-head Chia Pets for all: same effect.
- Make a donation in the name of all your family members to a charitable foundation: it’s a lousy gift that provides pleasure to no one, signals that you’ve decided to phone it in this year and lowers expectations for years to come.
- Make a donation in the name of all your family members to the Ku Klux Klan: note on card that each person will be included on the “Warrior’s Role Call” full page ad in USA Today.
- Give the gift of Tim Allen in any of his two dozen Christmas movies.
- Bake your girlfriend’s bauble inside a dense Christmas fruit cake: well, tell her it’s baked inside, full in the knowledge that she’ll never try to chisel a bite out of that rum-soaked shit brick.
- Declare war on the War on the War on Christmas as an excuse to unload your packed warehouse of Passion of the Christ toothbrushes: you know, the ones that secrete red toothpaste?
- Clothe old Tickle Me Elmos (Elmoes?) in miniature Sandusky-approved Penn State sweatshirts: say it’s meant to “make a point” when really you’re just being a prick
- Dole out jumble-bags of Korans, menorahs and tiny Zen sand gardens: explain you thought Christmas 2011 had a “theological pot-luck” theme outlined in last year’s family newsletter
- Wear a “Catholics Do It Like Jesus–Once a Year to Make Up For Your Sins, Jerk” golf shirt you ordered from catholicscomehome.com: claim you didn’t realize that the real evangelical site was a “.org” address
- Gift cards.