How to Fuck Up Christmas Through Gift-Giving

The Upside-down Christmas Tree: A triumph of greedy present expectations over aesthetic common sense.

What a glorious time of year! So filled with wonder and joy you could just plotz. Santa is soon on his way, his sleigh filled with–

Wait, you’re not a toddler or a drooling moron? Then let’s recalibrate.

Christmas is a shit time of year as you get older. How can it possibly stand up when compared to the fun you had as a kid? Plus, now you have to buy presents instead of just receive, and where’s the fun in that?

I’ll tell you where: a decisive choice to take the path of self-destruction. Here’s how!

  1. Ask loved ones to write down their hoped-for gadgets and doo-dads: research thoroughly and then come Christmas morn, present framed photographs that document that child/slave labour “required” to produce said items. (Be prepared to eat dinner in the driveway.)
  2. Tell everyone that you’re tired of this over-commercialized season and that you’re going to make all presents this year, despite your colour blindness, poor depth perception, lousy hand-eye coordination and overall lack of taste. Or Obama-head Chia Pets for all: same effect.
  3. Make a donation in the name of all your family members to a charitable foundation: it’s a lousy gift that provides pleasure to no one, signals that you’ve decided to phone it in this year and lowers expectations for years to come.
  4. Make a donation in the name of all your family members to the Ku Klux Klan: note on card that each person will be included on the “Warrior’s Role Call” full page ad in USA Today.
  5. Give the gift of Tim Allen in any of his two dozen Christmas movies.
  6. Bake your girlfriend’s bauble inside a dense Christmas fruit cake: well, tell her it’s baked inside, full in the knowledge that she’ll never try to chisel a bite out of that rum-soaked shit brick.
  7. Declare war on the War on the War on Christmas as an excuse to unload your packed warehouse of Passion of the Christ toothbrushes: you know, the ones that secrete red toothpaste?
  8. Clothe old Tickle Me Elmos (Elmoes?) in miniature Sandusky-approved Penn State sweatshirts: say it’s meant to “make a point” when really you’re just being a prick
  9. Dole out jumble-bags of Korans, menorahs and tiny Zen sand gardens: explain you thought Christmas 2011 had a “theological pot-luck” theme outlined in last year’s family newsletter
  10. Wear a “Catholics Do It Like Jesus–Once a Year to Make Up For Your Sins, Jerk” golf shirt you ordered from catholicscomehome.com: claim you didn’t realize that the real evangelical site was a “.org” address
  11. Gift cards.

You’re welcome!

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