Valedictions for the Modern Office: How to Make Your Email Sign off Work for You

valediction

Is your career stalled? Do you find yourself holding onto the corporate ladder while your colleagues pass you by on their way up? Do they crush your fingers and stand there for longer than they really need to? Is this jerk eating a piece of cake from the kitchen that you didn’t even know was there, getting crumbs in your eyes and making it look like you’re crying but you’re not and even if you were how is it anyone’s business how you process your emotions with other people succeeding all over the place while your career is stuck on this stupid ladder?

Well, you’re not alone.

Have you considered why your career is in a soul-sucking rut? Maybe it’s your poor networking skills. Perhaps you don’t trumpet your accomplishments in the workplace. Or possibly your cubicle collection of Valentine’s Day cards from notable serial killers is considered less of a ‘colourful quirk’ and more of a ‘disturbing off-hours hobby’.

It has to be one of those reasons, right? Wrong!

Email is the single most powerful tool of communication in today’s office, still surpassing instant messaging, HD meeting holodecks and some curious act known as face-to-face conversations, whatever those are (they sound painful and awkward).

Experts agree (one would assume, if one were to interview any) that how you sign off an email is just as important as the actual content, if not more so. Experts would also say that the sign off is called a “valediction”, because they like to show off even though it is very clear that you are on a first date and didn’t think through the whole spelling-bee-as-ice-breaker thing.

Take a look at this sampling of the most used sign offs and a handy guide as to why you’re a big dumb clod if you still use them:

“Regards” My stars, aren’t you just the picture of refinement. You’re probably wrote it while scratching your back with that ruler that no one ever wants to borrow. You’re not fooling anyone!
“Best” Snore. “Best” what? “Dressed”? “In Show”? Not valediction, I can tell you that for damn sure.
“Cheers” This isn’t a darts tourney at a seedy “Cirrhosis and Firkin”, you faux-cockney git.

Those are your standbys, aren’t they? You’re worried how long people have noticed this complete lack of originality on your part.

Slow down, Panicky Slim, and get that gun out of your mouth. Now isn’t the time to suss out who has been laughing at whom, for how long, or how many meetings have been called in Conference Room C to discuss what faces to make behind a certain person’s back. It’s time to map a plan on the road to that corner office.

Use any of these handy valedictions and hold on for the career-related rollercoaster ride of your life!

I beg you to look favourably on this, my respectful submission, Formal? No, classy. Watch those upwardly-mobile ivy league jerks steal this from you and get that big promotion you promised your wife you’d get under threat of divorce.
Alas, being this my last living breath, please RSVP to the Funny Hat Friday Committee with my sincerest salutations, That, friends, is a call to action. (Also works for Pot Luck Wednesdays and Theme Day Idea Tuesdays.)
Jag förblir din ödmjuk, lojal och sycophant smilfink, Oh, who’s this mysterious author? Not only do I want to answer her message, I want to know what the family crown looks like.
Yours truly, BA, MDIV, Ph.D, DDS, VetMB Look, if you want an email sign-off to improve your career, you clearly aren’t much of a planner. So go with lying! In this multi-media culture, who’s going to verify your claims?

You’re welcome.

TTFN,

Jesse McLean

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