An Imagined Conversation with the Raccoons We Are Currently Trying to Evict From Our Roof

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Me: Thank you for showing up. I appreciate that it is not easy given the disparate nature of our internal cycles.

Raccoon 1: We’re nocturnal, you know!

Me: I know. You’re slowly making me nocturnal.

Raccoon 2 (to Raccoon 1): Does he think we don’t know what “disparate” means.

Me: What’s that? If you’ve got something to say, just say it. This is a forum for the free and easy exchange of feelings.

Raccoon 2: Nothing. Never mind. I’m fine. How are you?

Me: Sleepy…and a little nauseous.

Raccoon 2: Oh, dear. Not feeling well?

Me: I’m sorry but, sweet Jesus, you guys stink.

Raccoon 1: Hey, you try smelling good when half your night is spent rummaging around in garbage. I don’t have to take this—

Raccoon 2 (to Raccoon 1): Don’t blow your top, now.

Me: Free and easy exchange…

Raccoon 2: I understand, but people don’t throw away a ton of potpourri, you know? But we’re sorry.

Raccoon 1: Don’t apologize for me!

Raccoon 2: OK, I’m sorry. Why don’t my friend and I just sit on the same side of this booth? Will that make you more comfortable?

Me: Yes, a whole lot. You sure you guys don’t want me to order you some breakfast? Fresh bacon and eggs, never touched garbage.

Raccoon 1: We already ate before we came in…they throw out a lot of potatoes here.

Raccoon 2: But thank you.

Me: OK. Then I’ll get to the crux of it—

Raccoon 1 (playing dumb): Duh…what’s a ‘crux’?

Raccoon 2: You said you wouldn’t do this. Try to be civil.

Me: I think we can all agree that our current situation is untenable…er, unlivable.

Raccoon 1: You got that right, brother.

Me: And I think you can understand that, while my wife and I have been very patient, we’re just about done with this whole scenario.

Raccoon 2: I understand. How is your wife?

Me: Fine, thank you for asking.

Raccoon 2: You’ve been throwing out fewer bottles of ibuprofen. I trust her foot is almost healed.

Me: Yes, just about…wow, that’s creepy.

Raccoon 1: You still eating entire bags of cookies without her knowing about it?

Raccoon 2: (to Raccoon 1): That’s enough.

Me: It’s time somebody moved out.

Raccoon 1: What?

Raccoon 2: I see…

Raccoon 1: Finally. This day’s getting better.

Raccoon 2 (to Raccoon 1): Hon, I don’t think—

Me: Great! We’re agreed. We’re not animals—no offence—so take a couple of days and once you’re out we’ll close up the hole in the roof.

Raccoon 1: Um, then how are we going to get in and out, genius? Wait—are we getting the whole house?

Me: I’m sorry?

Raccoon 2: He thinks you and your wife are moving out.

Me: Ha!

Raccoon 1: What? What am I missing?

Me: You two are moving out. Unless you plan on taking over the mortgage payments.

Raccoon 1: Now, hold on. Let’s not get crazy. We’re very comfortable in our roof.

Me: My roof.

Raccoon 1: Possession is one-tenths of the law!

Raccoon 2: Honey, don’t pretend you know more than you do.

Raccoon 1: Hey, I ate a law book once. It tasted like tomato sauce.

Me: I’m sorry, but it is our house, we bought it, and now it is time for you to leave. You’re destroying our property and your poop has all kinds of disease in it.

Raccoon 1: Well…I bet yours does, too…(starts to cry) I can’t believe you’re doing this to us…

Raccoon 2 (to Raccoon 1): Don’t worry, honey. I knew this day would come.

Raccoon 1: I didn’t!

Me: Guys, can you keep it down? You’re making a scene.

Raccoon 2: We wouldn’t want to embarrass you…would we?

Me: What’s that supposed to mean?

Raccoon 2 (slides an envelope across the table): You can look at this, or not. But if you want things to remain comfortable, and I know that you do, you’ll forget this whole ‘moving out’ business.

Me (opening envelope): What is…oh my God.

Raccoon 2: You see, we can get into anything. Including telephone wires and cable lines. And hey, maybe we find a certain guy’s internet browsing history for the last three years. How would it look for a proclaimed bleeding-heart liberal to have listened to so much Bill O’Reilly and Alex Jones? Not good, I think. Oh, did you get to the part where you were looking into getting a gun license?

Me (voice quaking): That was research! (pause) What do you want?

Raccoon 2: What do you think?

Me: We’ll be out by the end of the month.

Raccoon 1 (brightening): Let all your food go bad before you leave then leave the fridge door open!

Raccoon 2: And don’t be late on the mortgage payments. I hate dealing with bankers…they make my skin crawl.

THE END

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