Dear Hat: An Open Letter to Stephen Harper’s Head Covering

“Just a regular, blue-collar guy watching the sport of kings once favoured by Louis X of France.”

Listen, Mr. Baseball Cap, I’m on to you. You’re not fooling anyone with your spiteful balancing act atop the head of Canada’s capo di tutti capo, our fair and innocent Prime Minister, Mr. Stephen Harper.

We all know that Mr. Harper doesn’t know how to dress himself. Even when he tried to show how much of an “Alberta boy” he was it backfired on him. I mean, it might have something to do with him actually being an honest-to-God, fancy-pants, university edumacated Torontonian, which is code for, you know, possibly gay; but if this is world where a guy can’t wear a ten gallon hat and a leather vest without people thinking he’s a homosexual, then I’ll just sit in the corner, eat my foot long hot dog and shut up.

Biggest sponsor that year? NorthBound Leather.

All right–having reviewed the pictures, I can see how he looks like Streisand’s road manager. But that doesn’t let you off the hook, Baseball Cap. If our Enlightened Leader Harper can’t put on that most humble and utilitarian of head-dresses as the goddamn baseball cap without being made a fool of, then what can he trust?

Now we’re in business…

Baseball Cap, if you can’t help our Invincible and Ever-triumphant General, Benevolent and Respected Father Stephen Harper by not straddling his cranium awkwardly like an overturned bowl on the peak of a roof, then you could at least suggest alternative headwear that might better suit the blocky squash of skull you’d likely see on a Dick Tracy villain.

I’ll get you started:

  • Beanies
  • Yarmulkes (or, the Classy Beanie)
  • Do-Rag
  • Or, in a counter-programming way, top hat

What do you think? I know you must have other hat friends. Anyone want to snuggle close to the scalp of a guy who prefers panda diplomacy to unfettered access to information by the electorate he was chosen to lead?

I’m putting in an advance veto on SS hats.

Sincerely,

Jesse McLean

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