Conrad Black Admitted Back Into Canada: Tonight On A Very Special Episode of “Hoarders”

“Is Barbara behind me? Raid one company for ‘yes’, steal worker’s pensions for ‘no’.”

Fun fact! In light of the Department of Citizenship and Immigration recently granting temporary resident status to Conrad Black, Minister Jason Kenney and his minions could not state definitively how often the department had granted a temporary resident permit to a sitting criminal.

Now before you get on your pinko bicycle to peddle around in your hemp loafers and scream “how can you not know a simple statistic relating to the execution of your department’s duties”, let’s keep in mind that Kenney and his crack force of bureaucratic border ninjas are busy keeping us safe from unsavoury types who wish to do harm to the peach-sensitive nature of the Canadian character. They’re too tired to fill out paperwork, you pencil-pushing nerd, and if that kind of loose cannon approach doesn’t play well with the fat cats upstairs, too fucking bad. That’s how it works on the streets.

Provided those streets are home to a Florida prison that detains a stand-up guy like Connie Black—he’s the sort of ethical, non-assassinator of national character that this country needs. In fact if you think about it, the real crime is that this guy has wasted so much time in a Florida prison squeezing ass pimples (not saying they’re his).

Funner fact: in 2011, Kenney’s department granted 11, 526 temporary resident permits. Of those ephemeral citizens, 6, 541 were applicants with criminal records. For those who can’t do the math (or don’t have ready access to Google, the search term “how to get a percentage”, and aren’t haunted by the chilling sound of my fifth grade math teacher), that’s 57%. Further to that, 907 of those held the high honour of consideration as “serious criminals”, or 14% of the criminals granted temporary access to our honeyed hills and dales. Also (and I’ve got the lab working on this), if my calculations are correct I believe that 100% of those granted the TRP were foreigners.

Chilling, right?

But let’s not tar Connie with the same brush (God knows he had enough of that behind bars). Connie is only a foreigner by way of an administrative error…perpetrated by Connie himself, of course, when he tendered an application to the Department of Citizenship and Immigration renouncing his citizenship. But that is neither here nor there, and certainly not a fact that should be taken into account when considering whether or not to grant him a TRP. It’s irrelevant, not germane to these proceedings your honor and I object!

Connie needs our help. Like many rich, fat white men who marry foolishly and write turgid biographies, his actions are little more than well-tailored cries for help. But Saville Row or not, there isn’t a cut that can cover the desperation or honeyed hills and dales of the corpulent rich kid who somehow managed to take the inheritance of millions of dollars and ties to a powerful cabal of industrialists and, against all odds, turn it into a success story. Although the Brooks Brothers’ Signature Conrad Black Line, complete with quintuple breast suit, is lighting up fashion show cat walks! Provided the models can scale the three-step flight!

(By the way: is there anything more Canadian than a kid who is born into a wealthy brewery family? That had to factor into his lightning-quick admittance back into the country.)

No, this scrappy rumrunner’s kid (whose father suffered under the burden of running an international conglomerate started by his father and the indignity of the middle name “Montegu”) is compelled by a sinister compulsion. He is a hoarder.

Pity poor Conrad Moffat Black, Baron Black of Crossharbour (or, as known by his World of Warcraft handle, “Connie Black Heart, The Lesser”; or as he’s known to the good people at the Coleman Federal Correctional Complex, “#18330-424”); the only difference between him and the garden variety hoarder is the scope of collecting. Instead of stacks of old newspapers, Connie collects newspaper companies. Rather than rooms filled with empty cat food cans and jars or urine, Baron Black huddles close to his chest mining concerns, worker’s pension funds, and thirteen boxes of documents possibly relating to an on-going federal investigation as to “honest services” fraud. When you think about it, not really that different after all—apples to rotting apple pits in the corner of the bathroom!

“I need to get these five hundred copies of ‘Robber Baron Monthly’ back to the house–they could be worth something in ten years!”

Now more than ever, Connie needs our help. So I believe Jason Kenney was right to extend the same bullet-train version of immigration justice usually reserved for movie stars and athletes (who have never been known to be convicted of a crime). What better place for him to heal than home sweet home? And by that, I mean the one that hasn’t shut him out due to the crass purchase of a peerage and the one does have socialized health care.

Funnest fact! Conrad Black does collect urine, just not his own. He claims to have collected the finest in liquid waste from past prime ministers and presidents in bottles of hand-cut crystal, mingling with Arabian lavender until ready to be released as an eau de toilette. Look for Conrad Black’s Contemptuous at Sephora this fall…and the rebuilding of an empire! (PS—don’t put it on your skin, it’s just perfume and Floridian convict pee.)

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