How I’m Feeling Much Older Than My Years (Brought To You By “These Kids Today”)Posted: April 21, 2012
1. Yesterday, a kid on the subway offered me his seat. Fuck him and his manners! (That response did little to erase the look of youthful concern from his eyes, but it did make him sit back down.)
2. Grocery store incident #1: check-out girl hears me say that I don’t need help with a carry out. She still flags down a flute-voiced pituitary teen and he provides a carry out all the same. (First me, then the groceries.)
3. It took me a full day to understand why a Bob Marley documentary was released on 4/20.
4. It took me a full two years to understand what 4/20 signified.
5. I have spent the last day considering how to start an opposing 4/21 event for squares like me, but can’t find a suitable sponsor in the world of “straight laces”.
6. Grocery store incident #2: check out guy asks, with great delicacy, how I feel about “your eggs lying on top of your milk”. Do I look that fusty and button-downed? “Eggs and milk lying together? Sounds sinful. I’d better check with my spiritual advisor before you ask me about the hot dogs and bagels.”
7. In one conversation with a youthful co-worker, I had to explain both The Friendly Giant and Knight Rider. Kids today have no handle on the classics.
8. Steadfast in my belief that Justin Bieber is nothing more than Paul Anka with a bad haircut. Or Simon LeBon with a better one.
9. Equally steadfast in the belief that HBO’s new hit show Girls is nothing more than Entourage with vaginas, talent and genuine laughs.
10. Saw ads for Fifty Shades of Grey and thought not of sex but Grecian Formula.
11. I had to research most of the preceding pop culture references on the Google.
12. Still call it “The” Google.