How to Best Use Your iPad 2 (A Note of Condolence Upon the Release of iPad 3)

"Now I can finally throw my Zune in the trash."

  1. Cutting board
  2. Complement to Compaq LTE 386 laptop bookend
  3. Line bottom of budgie cage with New York Times e-subscription
  4. Donate to underprivileged children and open up world of endless possibilities get distracted on way to “Inner City” and use as a seat warmer on taxi ride home
  5. Create virtual effigy of Steve Jobs to burn: realize that without Retina display it’s an admission of defeat that is cold comfort to Jobs as he toils in eternal hellfire
  6. Sharpen edges and try to integrate as “jumbo ninja star” in the show you’ve been pitching for the last two years, Ultimate Sumo Wrestling Challenge
  7. Crack open to sell for parts: once inside, befriend slender bird chiseling on a stone tablet who shrugs and somehow masters vocal capacity enough to croak “It’s a living”
  8. Download Android app
  9. Research terms related to obsolescence: predict that it will take the balance of your life time to recover from related pictures of horses and glue factories
  10. Sell it on eBay: use the proceeds to buy yourself a delicious Kit Kat bar
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