New Year’s Promises to Myself: A Timecapsule

Nuff said.

I dug around a box of old photographs today and found a list that I must have written when I was twelve. What a world I must have expected to find myself in come my forties. Was 1981 really that long ago? I must have been having a string of woe-is-me-can’t-wait-to-be-an-adult-and-not-have-people-tell-me-how-much-salt-on-my-hard-boiled-egg-is-enough moments that culminated into this early Bucket List draft, before the whole idea of such a thing was ruined by aged Boomers (who either were or weren’t Rob Reiner).

Transcribed typographically, although it does bear mentioning that the following was written on Seeing Things stationary and embroidered with Simon &  Simon decals. I always had a taste for crime solvers, whether of the twin or extra sensory perception type:


  1. Eat entire Pepperidge Farm Vanilla Cake by myself (accomplished, although not until my mid-twenties and as a salve for a broken heart that lead to my first coronary stent)
  2. Avoid open heart surgery until really old, like mid-twenties (check)
  3. Play every day (only if Solitaire counts)
  4. Never, ever, ever stay overnight at a hospital. Period. (ruined this only once when I had a hernia operation in my nineteenth year, but only after I exhausted every other opportunity including out-patient service and George Foreman’s At Home Abdominal Wall Suturing Kit)
  5. Play goal for the Stanley Cup winning Toronto Maple Leafs (even at that tender age, I exhibited an almost paranormal ability to hedge my bets)
  6. Read every Hardy Boys book (accomplished, although they always got a little preachy around the one hundred page mark)
  7. Make sure I solve micropill energy pill dilemma so I can use that belt-loop rocket system I invented and become superhero Cut Off Jeans Rocket Boy (I’m still working on that one, although I saved my shorts)
  8. Never go to a Rolling Stones farewell concert (Done!)
  9. Hold onto this full head of luxurious, golden hair (…um, well..)
  10. Never use this new-fangled ‘camcorder’ technology to ‘tape’ myself doing anything embarrassing that might show up to haunt me in some futuristic computerized archive system available to mostly everybody in the world and stopping me from becoming President of the Universe (at least half of that is true)
  11. Gain almost three times my current weight, publish just one book, and then ride into the sunset of my life counting myself lucky to be thought of as a curious footnote in the annals of pop culture history, if that (it’s like I had a crystal ball–I love the kid version of me!)
  12. If I can’t be with the one I love, love the one I’m with (I listened to a lot of radio)
  13. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down most nights–except Thursdays ’cause that’s when Hill Street Blues is on and will always be on
  14. Never forget that thing the wizard told me in my dream that he promised would guarantee a lifetime of happiness…you know what I mean, don’t you future Jesse? (Nope. I hate that kid.)
  15. Don’t worry about fulfilling your dream of going to New York and standing on top of one of the World Trade Towers–you’ve got all the time in the world! (See? What a dick.)

One Comment on “New Year’s Promises to Myself: A Timecapsule”

  1. Ryan says:

    Not to diminish anything but, #8 is impossible. The Rolling Stones are never retiring. We want them to but, they won’t. On a side note: where did you get those Simon & Simon decals!? I could only ever find Scarecrow & Mrs. King.

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