Mitt Romney’s Gay Boner

Stop me if you’ve heard this one, but a robotic Mormon presidential candidate walks into a restaurant and sees a Vietnam veteran

No news that a Presidential hopeful stopped into a “Main Street” diner in his “tailored suit” to scrounge for votes and good optics in the form of elbowing in on salt of the earth Americans trying to eat their goddamn meal in peace. Unfortunately, Romney didn’t expect that the flannel-bedecked veteran he chose would be gay, eating with his husband, and ask a direct and simple question that would make Romney squirm like a prudish nerd when told in the broadest of terms what gay sex looks like. What is this, Romney later said to an aide, the only gay diner in New Hampshire? (Quite simply no, but it is the gay diner with the best key lime pie.)

Of course he thought it had all the earmarks of an easy win, but forgot to compute the possibilities that a man who served in the army might just be openly gay and enjoying a quiet dinner with his husband. Quiet that is until Romney clomped in and decided to sit down uninvited and disrupt the meal with all his clunky politicking.

The argument against gay marriage is backed by so much knee-jerk Constitutional-originalist buffoonery that it hardly merits note (except for the fact that in the 21st century Americans are still doing battle over basic human rights). The idea that a document is powerful not because of what was included in it but what wasn’t is so juvenile as to nettle the brow of any halfway intelligent eight year-old. The Founding Fathers didn’t vow to secure the Blessings of Liberty for your new-fangled Android phone, so hand it over Commie!

While Romney’s attempt at political glad-handing went as poorly as a rusty trombone delivered by Mr. Magoo, Mittbot did have the courage–no, wait, audacity–to defend his stance upon his inelegant exit thusly: “You wanted a yes or no answer, and that’s what I gave you.”

Good job, Mitt! That’s all Bob Garon asked for and that is precisely what you delivered. I think this is what’s known as the Emperor Nero Defence (“You’ve done a heck of a job pleading for your life, Mom, but I sentence you to death. Simple yes or no.”).

For Romney’s edification, here are a few other things that require a yes or no answer:

  1. Is your hair real?
  2. Do you know if China has nuclear capabilities?
  3. If you become President, will you leave a key to the front door under the mat while you’re away?
  4. Does Newt Gingrich really wear chipotle bbq sauce as cologne?
  5. If not, is that his natural musk?
  6. Does your central processing unit shut down when you experience emotion?
  7. Did you understand the ending of Lost?
  8. Have you now, or have you ever been, a member of a synchronized hip-hop dance crew?
  9. Can yours or any religion overcome institutionalized hatred with the professed capacity for love stated in the holy texts of each respective faith?
  10. Do you like your coffee all filled with gay liberal sugar and cream?

Yes or no, Mitt. Because when it comes to the subtle intricacies of domestic and foreign policy, all you need are two rubber stamps and a nice ink pad.

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