One-Time Future President Accused of Crimes Against Humility

"In all modesty, I can state that this hat covers a lot of things twirlin' around up there, but also makes me undeniably fuckable. "

The political world was rocked today by allegations Herman Cain conducted an off-line, privately funded thirteen year investigation of a Ginger White’s private parts. “Rocked” provided those in the “political world” are eleven, Amish and blush at words like “shuttlecock” and “post-coital room service”.

It’s not surprising that after numerous sexual harassment charges that have culminated into the allegation of a long-term extra-marital fuck buddy has lead the Cain campaign to slow things down and reflect on their candidate’s political viability. What is also not surprising, and this is the sad part, is that it takes a lurid story like this to put Mr. Cain’s bid for the second most powerful job in the world (sorry USA, but have you been paying any attention to China?) in jeopardy. When it came to missteps like not knowing shit about Libya, mining the virtual world for fiscal policy, and a lax stand on non-smoker’s rights, his campaign proved bulletproof.

I think Mr. Cain and his retinue of grape-peeling, fan-waving advisers (pure extrapolation on my part, but believable) have their strategy all wrong–if this campaign has proven anything, Cain doesn’t have to retreat. When the first wave of allegations around his roving eye began, Cain’s numbers remained solid. Clearly, Americans want a guy in the White House who they know will be tough on crime, protect their borders and take care of business between the sheets. So, embrace it I say. Humility is for the weak, and by that I mean Democrats.

Look for the following to scroll beneath Cain’s lecherous gleam any day now.

“Herman Cain 2012–Rock You Like A Hurri-Cain! (not in a sexual way, unless you’re picking up what I’m laying down non-verbally, in which case I’m in room 1407 and that shit’s got a mini-bar, baby).

If Cain drops out, guess who will surge before Republicans finally turn to Mitt Romney (their safety prom date from way back). And if there’s anyone less troubled by humility, it’s this thrice-divorced slice of beefcake who not only left his first wife while she fought cancer, but blamed an affair on his second to an overriding passion for his country  (chalk it up to spillover, I guess).

Newt Gingrich will take up the charge and, as wily a political operator as there ever was, I’m sure he’ll pile on Cain’s missed opportunity and fuck every hole of it, all for God and country.

"Newt Gingrich 2012--Lock Up Your Daughters!"

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