How to Fuck Up a Cup of Coffee

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How to Fuck up a Cup of Coffee

  1. Brew cat litter instead of coffee grounds
  2. Use fetid water from a vase of old flowers
  3. Mix with malt vinegar instead of milk
  4. Mix with alum instead of sugar
  5. Stir with an oil stick
  6. Serve in a recently emptied can of beets
  7. Use newsprint as a filter
  8. Percolate in a dribble urn
  9. Offer lady fingers as a snack—that’s clearly for tea, faggot
  10. Present beverage to guest in your cupped hands
  11. Brew sugar instead of coffee, add grounds instead of sugar: claim “it’s pretty much the same thing”
  12. Jettison the drink entirely and try out your new recipe for chocolate-covered amphetamines: claim “it’s pretty much the same thing”
  13. Top coffee with shaving cream and a plastic cherry
  14. Coffeehouse pick-up line #1: Do you want to go back to my place for a bracing jolt?  And then maybe some coffee afterwards?
  15. Respond to request for “fair trade” coffee by showing pictures of Columbian family whose imprisonment and slave labour you underwrite for only a dollar a day
  16. Make instant: when serving apply the suffix “cino” to the drink, and everything else in sight
  17. Grow your own beans; before roasting, forget to ferment and remove the slimy mucilage coating; claim that the resultant beverage is a “terrific demulcent” and “yes, it’s supposed to look like jelly”
  18. Clean your coffee maker by running urine through it; while sterile, it will lead to an acrid after taste some might find displeasing
  19. Bore your guest with an extensive history lesson about “the wine of the bean”, from Ethiopia to Starbucks, just to determine how badly they want the drink
  20. Perform Bob Newhart’s “Sir Walter Raleigh Explains Tobacco” telephone sketch, inserting “coffee” for “tobacco”; stumble when the bit ends with an actual joke about coffee; slam mug of coffee on table for guest and leave the room in tears
  21. Halfway through your guest’s cup, make outrageous claims about effects of caffeine, in particular about this one guy who drank so much he ejaculated blood; suggest a refill
  22. Decorate the lip of the cup with Christmas ornaments
  23. Instead of adding flavour shots such as hazelnut or vanilla, drop in a Bovril cube and call it “soufee”
  24. Drink with extended pinky—you’re not Prince Charles for Christ’s sake
  25. Place coffee in a mould along with marshmallows, dried fruit and guar gum; refrigerate for no fewer than three days; remove, slice and fan out on a plate; you may want to add a sprig of parsley
  26. Pour into a mug without leaving enough room for shot of whiskey that is the only thing keeping you from buying a samurai sword and slicing your way through rush hour traffic
  27. Loudly proclaim coffee’s aphrodisiac properties to deflect attention away from your bulging erection; no matter what they say, it is always a good excuse
  28. Concurrently develop voracious smoking habit that, along with coffee, will result in your breath smelling like dog shit covered in gauze
  29. Treat drinking a cup like it is some kind of artistic accomplishment; upon completion of a mug, stand up, take a bow and give an acceptance speech thanking “all the little people”
  30. Realize with dawning horror that drinking your first morning cup actually is the best part of waking up; call 911 and tell operator you are contemplating suicide
  31. Bore a potential mate with the minutiae of your coffee demands while on your third date and mistake her glassy stare as confirmation that she finds you “quirky and interesting”; in fact, send after-dinner coffee back to the kitchen three times before drinking
  32. Tell coffee that you are spending too much time with it and can’t help wondering what life would be like with other beverages in the house; don’t speak with each other for three weeks; at first, enjoy your newfound freedom sampling orange juice and club soda; soon realize that you didn’t see what a good thing you had with coffee; accidentally “bump” into it in the kitchen; play it cool for a minute and then beg to be taken back; reveal after completing first “make up” cup that coffee is the only beverage for you; espy bottle of mineral water in the corner and, when coffee is distracted, make the “call me” signal
  33. Drink through a straw; while this may save your teeth from ugly stains, it doesn’t save your uvula from a scalding and, let’s face it, you can always have your teeth cleaned but you can’t replace your uvula
  34. Coffeehouse pick up line #2: Ever since the surgery, I shoot decaf but I still taste like espresso…if you know what I mean
  35. Profess your love of coffee to a friend; when he suggests that if you love it so much perhaps you should marry it, consider how you would coordinate the wedding night
  36. Act as though all coffee drinkers are part of a fraternity and you are the one who created  the secret handshake; believe this allows you to cut in lines at any café inNorth America
  37. Have a new slang term for every time you bump into someone at the coffee machine at work; when colleague suggests “diesel fuel” and “cup of Jake” are poor vamps on “rocket fuel” and “cup of Joe”, kick him in the shin
  38. Seek out the difference between coffee cream and table cream; struggle with which best defines you as a coffee drinker; when the decision becomes too agonizing, switch to milk; pretend you don’t know there is a 1% version on the market
  39. Brew with lavender water and potpourri, having misunderstood recent Martha Stewart tip
  40. Pour coffee into a shallow pan and sift in flour, while stirring over a low heat; your grandpappy always said coffee wasn’t coffee until it poured like gravy
  41. Cut expensive coffee with aquarium gravel
  42. Add a dollop of ice cream and serve to you and your guest; ponder the moral implications of serving an ice-cream-and-coffee float to a six year-old; then, let yourself off the hook, you’ve had a rough week
  43. Celebrate each sip with a throaty “Boo-yah!”
  44. Confront non-coffee drinkers about their sexual orientation; whichever way they claim to swing, dispute it
  45. Coffeehouse pick-up line #3: Wow, that’s amazing!  I saw you drinking a whipped-up macchiato and pegged you as a total fag.  This fumbling overture of mine just got interesting…
  46. Serve over ice with a sprinkle of paprika
  47. Salt the rim of the mug and serve with slices of lime (idiot Jimmy Buffet fans only)
  48. Provide shitty, stepped-on Columbian cocaine as an aperitif; apologize for the faux pas and state that dealer was out of Peruvian blue flake, commonly accepted in high society as the best adjunct to coffee
  49. Challenge guest’s claims that coffee is good for the skin by throwing a piping hot mug of it in his face
  50. Serve in a mug adorned with pop culture catch phrase not new enough to be funny, not old enough to be kitsch
  51. Upon brewing completion, clang triangle and implore guests to “come ‘n git it!”
  52. Claim that you live and breathe “coffee culture”, evidenced by littering your apartment with world music CD’s and specialized after-coffee mints
  53. Create a Garrison Keillor coffee drinking game; every time he offers up a slice of heartwarmingAmericana, drink a shot—this will also keep you awake during an entire “Prairie” broadcast
  54. Serve hot in a cup with no handle
  55. Serve cold in any cup at all
  56. Serve in a ladle
  57. Determine the course of your day, good or bad, on how well you make a pot of coffee blindfolded
  58. Coffeehouse pick-up line #4: Let’s go back to my place for a little deep-sea expedition…don’t worry, I’m better at foreplay than entendres.
  59. Brew fresh pot using yesterday’s remains as water
  60. Propose an alternative of coffee gum, made from grounds and erasers
  61. Recline in your chair, unbutton your pants and pull up your shirt; fill cavernous bellybutton with after dinner coffee and drink with four connected bendy straws
  62. Break up with partner in busy coffee shop, particularly if you’re planning on using the “It’s not me, it’s you” argument
  63. Drink just after brushing your teeth, unless you’re using the new latte-flavoured toothpaste from Crest, complete with teeth-browning action!
  64. Challenge popular notions of inappropriate situations in which to drink, no matter what the other neurosurgeons say
  65. Coffeehouse pick-up line #5: As you can tell from the poster-tube-size of my coffee cup, I am powerful, successful and not compensating for anything south of my beltline.
  66. Entertain guests with variation on a classic: dip bacon-wrapped scallops in egg wash and roll in coffee grounds, bake, spear with toothpicks and serve; when they refuse to try your hideous concoction, try it yourself to show it’s no big deal; take bite, turn head, vomit
  67. Proclaim yourself a coffee snob and that you only make it ‘old school’; confirm that it will be worth the five hour wait
  68. Serve in a mug with a funny saying at the bottom that guest will read upon completion of drink; if you don’t allow time for the paint to dry, you’ll want to call a poison control center
  69. If guest questions quality of your coffee, belittle by uttering veiled insults riddled with recondite vocabulary, i.e. “I don’t often host ventripotent mountebanks of such panoptic nescience”; while regaining consciousness, verify this is the reason you weren’t popular in school
  70. Grind coffee beans with your teeth
  71. Ask if guest wants a regular coffee or your special ‘family secret’ version; blanch when they accept the latter and play for time by asking ‘How do you like your buttermilk—clotted or scalded?’
  72. If rushed in the morning, mix coffee, cereal, egg, vitamins and toothpaste into the same mug and consume in shower
  73. Instead of sprinkling cinnamon on cheap coffee grounds to enhance the flavour, try cumin
  74. Drink fair trade coffee from slave trade crockery
  75. Recreate genuine Parisian café experience by drinking espresso while laying in front of a chuffing exhaust pipe as someone sneers at your fumbling pronunciation of French; pay $32 dollars for the privilege
  76. Ask racist homophobe if he likes his coffee the way he likes his men, “tall, strong and black”; wear welder’s visor to protect yourself from brain-spray when his head explodes
  77. Bring cup to the bedroom in an effort to prove caffeine’s aphrodisiac properties; decide that that all it allows is for you to remain awake the entire night weeping after fruitless masturbation attempts
  78. Coffeehouse pick-up line #6: I see that you like coffee.  I also like coffee.  May I place my penis in your vagina?
  79. Assure guest with the anxiety disorder that you have made decaf when it’s not; you had so much fun when you tricked another friend to eat your ‘mock’ peanut butter brittle, God rest his soul
  80. Be aware of possible sleep disruption from too much caffeine; don’t drink any coffee past noon, particularly of your fourth straight day awake, washing down amphetamines while betting the company’s payroll on Tipsy Doodle in the third
  81. Invent coffee-ordering argot that will confuse the most seasoned barista, e.g. ‘Steamfab it  with quartzy ergoshots and give it the heave-ho’; compile glossary of your created language and christen it ‘Espresseranto’
  82. Prepare for colonoscopy by lacing morning brew with sodium picosulfate laxative; let recent behaviour determine if you tell your partner about your alchemy—maybe he’s due for an unexpected bowel lavage
  83. Cradle in amaretto-rubbed banana leaves and infuse with saffron and ground lotus petals (four star restaurants only)
  84. Mix with pallid cream until sidewalk-gray (greasy spoons only)
  85. Compose doctorate thesis that follows the path of your drink from lips to toilet bowl (suggested title: “From My Lips to My Toilet Bowl: The Epic Gastrointestinal Journey of Tim Horton’s House Blend”)
  86. After a particularly pleasing mug, sing a rousing hymn but replace any mention of drinking Christ’s blood with the phrase ‘Ethiopian Bounty Roast’
  87. Coffeehouse pick-up line #7: The fawn-colour of your drink is the perfect replica of your soft, glowing skin.  Would you retire with me to the back alley so I can bend you over a stack of sour-smelling milk crates and have at it?
  88. Affirm your coffee elitism by seeking out new regions; tell everyone they simply must try the new Khmer Rouge Coffee Fields brand
  89. Make a carafe of instant coffee, then use that as water to brew your ground beans; do not mistake that chest pain for a leprechaun kicking your heart, you’re just finally living
  90. Use Matrix-inspired metaphors when asking guest if they want regular or decaf; this will win you the respect of your potential father-in-law, especially after hisDieppe anecdote
  91. Confuse guest’s request for “regular not unleaded” and fill mug with oil; when he gags, tell him not to be such a namby-pamby, it’s only light sweet crude
  92. When your guest asks for an ice cube in his coffee, drop in a fake with a fly trapped inside; not only will his spit take leave you gasping, the polypropylene residue that melts off the cube and into his drink will shut down his kidneys and provide hours of endless fun in the emergency room
  93. Mix decaf with Jolt Cola and call it a ‘reconstituted hot beverage’; trademark the name in an EKG flat line-inspired logo and retire toFiji
  94. Tell anyone who will listen that a person never died from drinking coffee; return rebuttal by saying that “renal failure is the new black”
  95. Spend hours considering how Jesus Christ would take his coffee; decide that he would be a two-milk-one-sugar man and import this fact into any argument regarding which is the world’s one true faith
  96. When Biblical scholars dispute your claim, tell them you’ve heard that the Shroud of Turin is actually a coffee spill on a “My Dad Went toJudeaand All I Got Was This Lousy Beach Towel”; then plug your ears, sing “Bringing in the Sheaves” at full volume and exit the room
  97. Start your own coffeehouse chain and draft historical figures from the past for testimonials; put the idea of ‘public domain personalities’ to the test when you feature Adolf Eichmann and Simon Wiesenthal clinking mugs over croissants at Nuremberg;  volunteer to cater your own appearance before the Hague Tribunal
  98. Lace with LSD before serving to retirement home residents; include your desire to recreate recent ‘old folks gone wild’ coffee commercial in your statement to police
  99. Flash freeze with tongue depressor in cup; serve to neighbourhood children as ‘ginkgo balboa pops’
  100. Decaffeinate it
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One Comment on “How to Fuck Up a Cup of Coffee”

  1. […] for the heartbreak. How to Fuck Up a Cup of Coffee was meant as no more than a long-winded goof-about (and in that way so different from everything […]


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