How To Determine if Your Life Has Become a Cautionary Tale for Your Children

"Where'z my peepz at? Kidz?"


  1. Disbelieving clucks each time you tell the kids about how you scored the game-winning goal in the junior high gymnastics meet
  2. When you explain the Star Wars-based philosophy book you’ve written (publication pending), they return a blank look that confirms your complete irrelevance
  3. Attempt at “rapping” your answering machine’s out-going message met not with embarrassment but condescending pat on head
  4. Airing of Lifetime Network movie about your life touring with Aerosmith and subsequent revolving-door rehab stints is not mentioned in the family’s year-end Christmas newsletter
  5. Disastrous defeat in strongman competition at Father-Daughter picnic results in daughter sadly turning her head away; remember not to attend picnic until she is much older, like at least three
  6. Latest attempt at curing chronic unemployment is not supported; children review your resume and giggle over breakfast, suddenly becoming silent as you enter the kitchen
  7. No longer entertained by “Watch How Much Daddy Can Drink” game and subsequent hateful impressions of Korean family from two streets over
  8. They no longer want to play Hide and Seek, just when you were getting good at it
  9. Leave the room mid-anecdote when you try to explain that Math Camp is tougher than prison; try to lure them back by rhyming off prime numbers
  10. They step over you when muscleman posing devolves into you writhing on the sidewalk, paralyzed by back spasms
  11. Bedtime stories about your brave battle against impetigo met with a “thumbs down” gesture
  12. Children no longer want to wear your matching t-shirts, which leaves you a World’s Greatest Dad without a Daddy’s Biggest Fan Club
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