Another Goddamn Internet List #257–Why I Hate Hallowe’en

So did he puke after the blow or just at the sight of the axe?

  1. I’m not a kid. Dressing up like someone else holds not interest for me.
  2. I’m not even a kid on the inside.
  3. Grown-ups use it as an excuse to get drunk and act a fool all with the convenience of anonymity that a costume provides.
  4. I will eat every bit of candy I am meant to give out, which stirs up reliable feelings of self-loathing.
  5. I don’t like it when strangers come to my door. I could say it’s because I have a dog and he barks each time the doorbell rings. While that’s true, I just plain don’t like the effrontery of persons unknown beckoning me to open up. Hell, I’m not crazy about it when it’s people I know (if it’s unplanned that is).
  6. I don’t scare easily. Unless you’re Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, Kubrick’s The Shining or Mike Myers’ The Love Guru, then keep moving.
  7. Armchair psychoanalysis alert! I was mugged once when out canvassing for candy–I was in a group and we all were targeted by a pack of older kids. It scared the shit out of me and, worse still, triggered a lasting distrust of anyone in a pillow-case hood holding a knife. So thanks, Hallowe’en.
  8. I appreciate that carving a pumpkin allows you to express yourself artistically, but vomiting gourds are not creative, funny or interesting.
  9. Much like parachute pants and malicious gossiping, haven’t we outgrown all this?
  10. They don’t make Diego costumes in my size.
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