Why Sarah Palin Will Never Get Into The White House Other Than as Part of a Tour Group

Or, When Colour Matters in American Politics

One might think the reason that the world will never see a President Sarah Palin is that she is a pre-fabricated, anti-intellectual, poorly read populist dangerously ill-prepared for the demands of national and international policy to a point that might tip the world into full-on Armageddon. Clearly, this is not a problem for the Republican voting base (see the initial G, W and B).

The real reason she will never take the role of Commander-in-Chief (or runner-up Commander-in-Chief, ready to step in if the winner is not able to fulfill his/her duties) is a new book. The headline-generating biography The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin by Joe McGinniss provides a sub-textual reason for Palin’s destiny as a Trivial Pursuit question. For those who read torrid headlines so as to avoid actually reading distasteful books about even more distasteful subjects (myself included), many allegations are flung like so much monkey feces, including:

  • a young Palin and future unelected co-governor Todd Palin did drugs, including huffing lines of coke off the top of an oil drum, which is about as close to a Rockwellian portrait of Alaska as one can get
  • Palin had an affair with Todd’s snowmobile business partner which caused a rift in their marriage and, even more tragic, the closure of a snowmobile business
  • during her time as a sports reporter, Palin developed a “fetish” for black men and allegedly slept with future NBA athlete Glen Rice
  • has never eaten a gosh darnit, red-blooded, all-American hamburger

Now while one of those may not be true, one point sticks out as the defining eliminator. Disqualification on the grounds of doing blow and adulterous affairs would wipe out most of the Presidential canon (to say nothing of every other country in the world).

As Barack Obama was dropped via FEMA airlift into the quagmire that is the White House, it affirmed a long-held belief I’ve had in the American electorate. They don’t mind having their country run by a black man, just so long as it isn’t run by someone who’s fucked a black man.

So, sorry Sarah. And Don Lemon, for that matter.

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