Dick Cheney’s Vancouver Itinerary

Dirty Secret: Cheney's Segway and Heart Pump Powered by Solar Energy

While in Vancouver to promote his new memoir, 99 Definitions of “Torture”, Cheney had a packed schedule. A recently leaked copy of his agenda while in town has just hit the Internet.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney Book Tour:Sensitive
6am–VP awakes, receives security briefing in the form of aide reading old Dick Tracy cartoons (still trying to get Flattop on the No Fly List)
6:30am–hot yoga followed by vegan breakfast; once attending physician leaves, lowers into hot tub filled with rocky road ice cream and eats his way out
7am–reads newspapers until he falls asleep
7:03am–wake up VP
7:15am–starts avoiding phone calls from old boss (do NOT allow GWB to talk to the VP, no matter how bad the night terrors: this is non-negotiable and punishable by heart-removing sacrifice a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
8am–watch last hour of Vancouver’s Breakfast Television–VP claims “that Thor Diakow is a scream” and, when it comes to Hollywood gossip, “totally isn’t afraid to go there”
9am–round of phone interviews with mainstream media who will no doubt try to entrap the VP with “gotcha” questions like “Isn’t warrantless wire-tapping a direct contravention of the Constitution?” and “Who do you like to win Dancing with the Stars?”: PR people are programmed to jump in whenever VP makes that Burgess-Meredith-as-The-Penguin face
10am-4pm–complete transfusion of blood with that of orphaned virgins from Somalia: do not be surprised if VP demands a “cork sniff” test
4pm–watch new episode of “Ellen” while red-lining “war criminal” parameters in the Geneva Convention
5pm–eat a light pre-dinner of two pounds of bacon and filleted komodo dragon killed in front of VP by strongest aide on staff
6pm–alone time before heading to speaking engagement: VP will probably request a tub of Vaseline, factory-sealed box of tissues and DVD of Star Wars cued to the scene of Grand Moff Tarkin about to blow up the planet of Alderaan–disregard any noises you hear behind his locked bedroom door
7pm–head to Vancouver Club: use heat vision goggles designed for VP by the CIA to scan youthful protesters for any viable organ harvesting to be carried out by “black bag” team during speech
8pm–follow VP as he collects the $500-a-head dinner charge personally from each attendant: ensure it is in Canadian funds so VP comes out ahead on exchange
9pm–VP delivers speech which, depending on his mood, will last three hours and serve as a passive-aggressive defense of the five draft deferments he received to avoid serving in Vietnam, or twenty minutes and consist of stolen Jimmie “JJ” Walker material from 1976
12pm–VP meet and greet, which he demands; ensure his robotic hand does not malfunction and start going for throats…again
1am–tuck VP into bed whereupon he will delight in telling his aide that he is alive but without a heartbeat: warning as this is the leading cause of aide turnover on this book tour
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