Things Stephen Harper Doesn’t Want You To Know…Posted: September 26, 2011
The richest, loamiest soil in which to plant conservative political ideals has long been in Canada’s west. It’s an honest and humble landscape that aches for homespun populism–a land whose simple folk want nothing more than to send a straight-talkin’, anti-elitist, shit-kickin’ reformer with a love of the land and all who toil on to represent them. In fact, the Western electorate seems to feel guilty carting off their chosen on to that orgiastic Plato’s Retreat known as Ottawa (aka Sodom on the Rideau Canal). But no one said it would be easy fighting the Orc-like creatures in the NDP, proof that “the Devil lives and interferes in the affairs of men” (Stephen Harper in a speech on Canadian identity delivered to the Council for National Policy, a right-wing American think tank circa 1997.)
But who was best fit to save this “norther European welfare state, in the worst sense” (Stephen Harper from that same speech).
Preston Manning? He had a voice like a Theremin and cut as imposing a figure as Herman Munster, a character Manning played in two made-for-tv movies. His PR people downplay him as a trailblazer continuing the legacy the first gay monster father figure on network TV.
Jean Charest? French. And that bullshit just don’t play in the prairies.
Stockwell Day? Possessed the vigor of a less-prissy John Edwards, dropped out of two universities, didn’t like unions, gays, was an assistant pastor and administrator at the Bentley Christian Center in Alberta which taught the Accelerated Christian Education (which teaches, among other things, the literal truth of the Bible, the upside of South African Apartheid and, most bewildering, competitive crokinole). These were all positives across the great plains, but once discovered that his body composition contained 72% after-market genetic enhancements (a full twenty percent above accepted norms), Day’s political spotlight dimmed and he was relegated to strip mall openings and taking dives in tramp fights just so his family could continue to eat off of commemorative Leo Strauss dishware.
Oh, but then there came a savior. A beady-eyed cyborg who embodied the warm but firm-handed paternal instinct and fiscal draconian blood lust that those in the west pined for. Here was a western boy who knew the taste of the dirt and the sweat of the farmer and was not afraid to take that message to the faggots in the east and shove it down their warm, soft throats in a totally non-sexual manner.
But is Prime Minister Harper really all that and a bag of immigrant labour-free pork rinds? Let’s see, did you know that Mr. Harper:
- Was, perhaps most damning of all, born in Toronto…yeah, let that sink in for a minute
- Appeared on Reach for the Top, but blew the chance for Richview Collegiate to take the win when he said Margaret Laurence’s greatest achievement was “actually finding a man who would bother to marry her”
- Went to university, a known hotbed of “intellectual elitists” and “seekers of knowledge”, enemies number one and two for conservatives
- Went to university…in Toronto; to his credit, he did drop out after a slap fight with another student over the inherent comic properties of “feminism” (Harper lost and left the campus bloodied but shamed)
- Went to another university, this time in Calgary where he completed a bachelor’s degree in economics: to most conservatives, unless you get a law degree you might as well major in theater
- Once was a member in good standing of the Young Liberal’s Club; left not because of ideological differences but better snacking options across the aisle with the Conservatives
- Broke away from the PC’s over disillusionment with Prime Minister Brian Mulroney’s fiscal policies, specifically how rarely they made widows and orphans cry
- Before his involvement with the Reform Party of Canada, he entered a top secret military program run by Col. William Stryker; emboldened by his success taking a man named Logan’s entire skeleton and bonding it with an adamantium alloy, Stryker decided to improve Harper by removing his soul and replacing it with a gaseous ball that maintains a consistently sub-zero temperature: this caused Harper’s eyes to not only look cold, but are actually made of ice
- As Prime Minister of a majority government (nineteenth time’s the charm!), Harper controls the message like he’s editing a 1980’s edition of Pravda, releases promotional videos to media outlets that are aired as news pieces, restricts public access to elected officials so all within his cabinet can stay on-message, and strangles internet freedoms for all Canadian citizens
- He really likes his cat
So that makes up for it all, right? Nicely done western Canada!