Another Goddamn Internet List #257: How to Gaze at Your Navel

1. For thin people, you’ll need a magnifying mirror to properly see your cute little tummy dimple. For fat guys like myself this isn’t much of a problem, once we’ve finished using the belly crater as a cereal bowl.

2. Find the pillow best suited to support your neck type: a simple bolster is fine for some, while others will insist on ordering a snakey-looking piece of business from television. We’ll wait the appropriate six to eight weeks for delivery.

3. Clear the navel of any lint accumulation (for serious students of philosophy worried about criticisms of time wasted, this does qualify as “wool gathering”).

4. Depending on your bathing rituals, you may need to wash your hands at this point, but only if you’re distracted by that aged cheddar smell on your fingers. I suggest a non-perfume soap as clearly you are the kind of person with a slim attention span, not ideally suited to gazing at one’s navel.

5. Stare deeply into that tiny well. Contemplate. Consider what Nietzsche said about the abyss. Be of navel but not in the navel. Unless you can fit, in which case you should totally go for it.

6. Obviously this applies to people with “innies”. If you have a popped-out belly button then you are a strange creature, I don’t understand anything about you and you are clearly a child of Satan. Enjoy your damnation!

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