How To Shake Hands If You’re Thinking About Becoming A Complete Asshole



  1. Grab your opponent’s hand and squeeze early, collapsing his fingers and crushing his knuckles
  2. Consider anyone who you are going to shake hands with as your ‘opponent’
  3. Critique the handshake while still engaged, but don’t overdo it; there’s no need to call him queer when you can imply it with a sneer and shake of your head
  4. Grip his elbow and guide hand into yours, because you never know when a handshake can misfire and windup tangled in your necktie
  5. Grab bicep and squeeze before shaking; similar to the above but allows you to suss out his strength if he disagrees with your assessment of the weather and you have to throw some elbows
  6. Tricky move for quick “alpha dog” status affirmation—grab opponent’s elbow, guide hand into yours, move free hand to his bicep, squeeze, ask if he works out; while he’s blushing slip him into a headlock and whisper, “I used to fuck guys like you in the Army.”
  7. Dig thumb into back of opponent’s hand and when his knees buckle, flip sharply and wrench upward for a dazzling compound fracture; we call this the ‘Steven Seagal Salutation’
  8. With back turned, lick palm into a damp and warm mess; when shaking, ask if he’s ever heard of new perfume called ‘Ebola’ that everyone told him about in Africa
  9. Force opponent into thumb wrestling match; whether you win or lose, puff out your chest and strut like a rooster because you made him play a game he didn’t want to play
  10. Claim that handshakes are ‘too old school’ and insist on hand jives (note: if Caucasian, perform only on those within a two shade differential of your own)
  11. Put opponent through improvised ‘fraternity’ handshake; keep him on his toes by never repeating the same move twice

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